10 June, 2007

A slow fade to black

Dear blog,
Today something happened, and it won't let me rest. I have been trying to sleep for two hours, and despite my trying to tell myself to not be affected, I am.

Blog, today, David broke up with me.

He broke up with me, and then left to go do things with friends and is presently at the residence of one Philip Neustrom. For at least 2 of the 3 years I have been in a relationship with David, I had tried my hardest (which may not be the hardest the average person can try, but I am not by nature an outgoing person) to get him to go out with me and do fun things and have adventures. For the last year, I have tried to get him to communicate me because I can sense when something is wrong with someone, but there is only so much a person can do. And a lady tires of trying after a while.

So now I find myself not only in the awkward situation of still living in the same apartment as the person who just broke up with me, but I also have the overwhelming sense of rejection and loneliness of the sort I hadn't felt since Jr. High. In Jr. High, I had, at most, 2 real friends, and I didn't have them until the last half of 9th grade really. In 7th grade, I went 2 months without speaking to anyone, and no one noticed. Now I am living in a giant city, working at a job where everyone is at least 6 years older than I am, and, more or less, utterly, and completely alone.

I am not hip enough for David's new Apple friends or even to hang out with the likes of Phillip Neustrom apparently. The last situation where I might have been able to make a friend, I stopped talking to the guy because David had expressed distaste in my meeting this new person when I told him about it. I am going to look at an apartment later today when there is an open house, but I can't sleep because every time I try to, my head fills with things that are wrong with me, wrong with my life and the nagging feeling that I cannot do anything about any of it. This works to make me just start crying, and this has been my mental state since about 4:10am.

I have been trying really hard in the last couple of months to be more positive, but this just made everything come crashing down on me. This has been an incredibly self-centered post, and I apologize for that, but fuck. I feel like I am dying.

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